Tomorrow is my last court date.  We go in front of 'The Master' and then I am a divorced woman. 

A 31 year old single mother of 3.

I spent some time alone today. I had to get out of town, sometimes too many familiar sights can be suffocating.  So I just got in the car and drove.  Though I will admit when I drove past the airport I can not describe how strong the temptation was to pull into the airport, buy a ticket anywhere, and just disappear. 

I don't know what is normal in this kind of situtaion, but things are hitting me harder than I expected them to this weekend.  I'm being faced with my failures, and disappointments, the loss of a dream, and the loss of a decade of my life.  Lots of things to face, really...  I guess even though I've been entrenched in this process for the past year, tomorrow is really bringing some reality and finality, and that is scary and sad. 

I don't know...there are so many things bouncing around in me at the moment that I am really finding it hard to articulate anything.  My brain is being eaten alive by my emotions and thoughts.  It's an ugly thing...you should be thankful this isn't a video blog.

I need to sleep.  Hopefully I'll make more sense after a few hours of unconciousness... we'll see.  My apologies for the lackluster blog...

 

Day shift is pretty much the best thing ever.

Sleep, and the gym, and hanging with the kids...

Life is beautiful.

Okay, all this positivity is making me twitch.

Peace.

I realized that, as of late, I have been fairly scarce in the Xanga community.  Apparently a lot of us appear to be vacating Xanga, as was pointed out to me by one of my fellow bloggers.  I was quick to inform him, that...no, we're still here, and that the apparent absence was most likely due to him being smelly. Evidently smelly enough to penetrate the internet and enter his fellow bloggers home via computer screen... But, I digress...

My absence has been due to the strenuous pace of life I have been maintaining.  The life of a single working mother of three boys is unmistakeably busy. Also, I was wicked sick for the past two weeks, blessed with the unsought gift of killer bronchitis.  I actually considered giving it a day or two to turn into pneumonia so that I could have a mini 'vacation' in the hospital. Think about it, someone who comes when you ring a little button on your movable bed, daytime t.v., all the jello you can eat, not such a bad deal...  I'm fairly certain Expedia would give that 3 out of 5 stars. 

So, yeah...I should be sleeping, but working at a coffee house till midnight or later is conducive to the late night blogging lifestyle.  I will have my second court date tomorrow, and as I so sadly found out last time, real court is nothing like Night Court the popular syndicated television sitcom.  Nope, it's pretty serious stuff.  I do, occasionally have the urge to just run up to a bailiff and grab his gun, and see what he does.  Then I'd be like, "Nah, here you go, I was just kidding..."  Tomorrow brings me to the precipice of being a 31 year old, divorced, working mother of 3 little boys.  Single again for the first time since I turned 18.  It's quite a scary thing.  I feel like I've learned a lot about myself through this process. Where I was wrong, where I made mistakes.  How to back off, and when to fight.  How to apologize, and own up for my choices.  What I really want in this world.  I've learned that it's okay to want the things my heart wants, and even bigger than that-- the fact that I deserve them. I deserve to be happy, loved, pursued, guarded, and treasured.  And, that by shutting my heart and closing myself off in an attempt to protect myself, I rob the world of something that only I can give it.  It is mind boggling to me that through one of the most painful things I have ever gone through, I feel like I am finally learning what love is, and how to truly love.  It would seem like a divorce is quite the inverted way to learn about love, but then again...I've never been one for taking the conventional path.

Not to sugar coat (which oddly enough makes me think of a man wearing a coat actually made of sugar, which would be horrible in the summer when bees are out and about --shudder--) things... life is hard.  I work hard. I'm tired, and lonely.  The other night at work I saw two flies chasing each other, nose diving (do flies have noses? I thought the attenae did that job...) and basically courting eachother (as only flies can do) which eventually led to mating.  As I watched this I thought, "Dang, those flies are getting more action than me!" It was at this point I realized, 'OMGsh, I'm slightly jealous of a frickin fly!!!' Granted their life cycle is significantly shorter than mine, so when you look at the amount of chances they get, things are once again skewed back in the favor of humans, but still... it was a sad moment, and I'm feeling it will be the requisite low point, or perhaps 'rock bottom' when I write my memoirs...

I could go on, but I should probably get to sleep in order to be well rested for my game of 'grab the gun' with the bailiff tomorrow.  Seriously, am I the only one that thinks like this? Like, what would happen if I just stood up in the center of the courthouse and yelled, "BOMB!!!"  Or, started clucking like a chicken and drinking people's coffees? Or came in with white powder all over my lips mumbling about my Anthrax donuts? Something about super serious places of discipline and order make me daydream about doing something full on crazy. 

Perhaps not one of my better ideas.  Alright, I'm gonna make like a prom dress and take off.  Goodnight cruel world...